


tug of war

by neogotmyheart



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, College, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-19 08:05:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18133112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neogotmyheart/pseuds/neogotmyheart
Summary: love’s a game of push and pull and taeyong isn’t sure he knows how to play. falling in love with your best friend should be a dream come true, but he’s not sure it’s all it’s cracked up to be.





	tug of war

**Author's Note:**

> hi, hello! i have posted this work before, however, it was an with an oc and there was a lot of editing I wanted to do before reposting it with reader instead. i hope you guys enjoy it! it was my very first fic so it has a very special place in my heart <3
> 
> tumblr: lovingyong

Taeyong was woken up by a knock on his door. He checked the time to find that he still had fifteen minutes before his alarm went off but that didn’t stop his best friend from making her way into his room.

“Good morning, my favorite human. I brought you coffee and breakfast. I know you’re going to say 15 more minutes, but I’m here now. Get up and get dressed so we can have breakfast before class.” You patted the top of his head and ruffled his hair.

“___, you know I love you and would do anything for you.” He said his voice muffled by covers. “But, at 8:55 in the morning, I could kill you.” He groaned and rolled out of bed while you immediately handed him the coffee.

“I’ll be in the kitchen when you’re done getting ready.” You walked out the door and into Taeyong’s very grumpy roommate. “Good morning, Jaehyun.”

All you got in response was a grunt, which was expected.

People always say to surround yourself with those who are like minded. That’s why Taeyong was living with Jaehyun. They were both pleasant people as long as it was past 10 AM. They both cared about school but not to the point where they were constantly stressed. Someone was always in the mood to cook. They were a perfect pair.

How he ended up with you as his best friend was more of a mystery. The two of you were more like the sun and the moon. If it was possible that sunshine could be a human being, Taeyong was convinced it would be you. It wasn’t that Taeyong was boring or grouchy, it’s just that next to you he was dull in comparison. His own light was often just a reflection of yours. You had been best friends since elementary school despite you being a year beneath him. You were a morning person and his own personal source of happiness. You cared about school and work to the point that you could be so caught up that you forgot about everything else. It wasn’t unusual that Taeyong would go a few days without hearing from you just to find out later that you were neck deep in a project. He usually loved your happy energy, constant positivity, and never-ending motivation. At 9 AM before coffee, however, was really pushing it. Everyone has their limits.

He threw on a t-shirt and jeans before brushing his teeth and meeting you at the kitchen table. “Don’t talk to me before you drink your coffee.” You said while taking a bite of your breakfast sandwich.

“What? Are you scared I’ll have a meltdown or something?” He asked after he took a sip.

“Yes. Just ten minutes ago you said you could kill me. Waking you up early is always terrifying. Keep drinking.” Taeyong laughed and looked up to find you smiling.

“You’re so chipper today. You never get me breakfast.” But what he really cared about was that you were never this early. You usually meet him at the front of his building with just enough time for them to make it to your 10 AMs. This allowed him to sleep and take his time getting ready. Then he and Jaehyun could sit at the table drinking coffee in silence while they silently fumed about signing up for morning classes and Taeyong caught up on the news. They had a routine. Taeyong loved routine.

“Well, I wanted to get here early enough to tell you the news.” You crumpled up your breakfast trash and carried it to the trashcan while Taeyong picked up the newspaper Jaehyun had gotten for him from outside their door earlier this morning.

“What news?” He asked while turning to the pages. You usually teased him for reading the paper like an old man, especially the political section.

“I aced my project for advertising and now my professor is going to let me intern at his agency this summer while they work on a campaign. He said it could turn into a full-time position if I do well enough.” You were absolutely beaming. Taeyong knew you had been slaving over this certain project for over a month. All you cared about was the grade. You didn’t know about the potential opportunity that could come with doing well. Taeyong was glad because it may have driven you over the edge with pressure.

“___! That’s incredible! When did you find out?” He got up and hugged you. He was so immensely proud of you. You had wanted to do advertising since you were both were in high school and it was so fulfilling for him to watch you succeed at what you loved.

He was still holding you when you answered, “I got the email this morning while I was getting ready. So I rushed over here. But I knew you wouldn’t have forgiven me for waking you up early unless I brought coffee and a burrito from that place you really like.”

Taeyong let you go. If he would have continued holding on, you certainly would have felt his heart was racing from the proximity.

He ruffled your hair and whispered, “I’m not mad at you for waking me up anymore.”

You gave him a small smile before sitting back down with him at the table.

“We probably need to leave soon. Is Jaehyun coming with us this morning?”

Taeyong had been dragging his roommate to more and more stuff to avoid all the alone time with you. He used to hang out with you all the time but his feelings were beginning to suffocate him, causing him to use Jaehyun as his own personal emotional buffer. Unfortunately, it all backfired because now he had a small suspicious that maybe you had feelings for Jaehyun. It was a good and a bad thing really. Good because he wouldn’t have to worry about breaking your heart if Jaehyun was the one that had it. Bad because Jaehyun would be the one to have your heart. He was caught between how he felt.

He cleared his throat. “Oh, uh, yeah he should be. His class is in the building next to ours.” He played with the rim of his cup. He takes it back. He knew how he felt about you possibly having feelings for Jaehyun; he hated it. But, he never felt as if he deserved you, anyway. He was constantly terrified of messing up and hurting you. Taeyong couldn’t help but think it was for the better.

“Oh, okay… Hey, is it okay if we have movie night at my place on Friday?” You lowered your voice for a reason unbeknownst to him.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll let Jaehyun know. Don’t want him trying to cook or something.” He wished he hadn’t started inviting Jaehyun to your monthly movie nights. It wouldn’t be hard to stop inviting him since he was completely indifferent about the tradition. You and Taeyong have been having a monthly movie night since you were 6 and 7 respectively. Out of their entire history of movie nights, you had only missed three. Even when one of you was sick, you had it. The only exception was that it would be earlier and soup was included.

“Yeah… Jaehyun.” There was a weird disappointed tone to your voice that he didn’t understand. He thought you would want him to be there. You were so welcoming the first week he joined, said it would be rude to have movie night in their apartment and then make him stay in his room. So he started joining every month. There was only one month where Jaehyun decided to skip out. Taeyong woke up on the couch tangled in a blanket and limbs, unable to move due to your head on his chest. He still doesn’t remember how you ended up asleep like that. Ever since he has begged Jaehyun to not miss again. His heart couldn’t afford another night like that. He missed you the second you left and he couldn’t subject himself to that pain anymore.

Taeyong stood up to throw away the rest of his breakfast and to grab his backpack. “Jae, let’s go. We’re going to be late.” Taeyong yelled.

“Yeah, whatever. Just go. I accidentally fell back asleep. I’m just gonna call it a day and sleep.” Jaehyun yelled back.

“Wow, what a bummer. Let’s go Taeyong.” Your exuberant attitude was back. You grabbed your backpack and were out the door before Taeyong could even turn back to the kitchen.

“___, wait!” He almost had to run out the door just to catch up with you.

He finally caught up to you outside his building. You turned around with a huge smile on your face. “It’s so nice outside today isn’t it?”

“Good god, you really are chipper today. I’m scared.” Taeyong pretended to be reluctant to join you. He was actually really excited to see you like this. You constantly were overworking yourself and stressing yourself out to the point of breakdowns. You deserved to be proud of the work you did.

“What’s there not to be chipper about? The weather is beautiful, my project was good enough to get me an internship, and we have a break starting in just a couple days. Come here.” You reached out your hand, still smiling.

Taeyong took it tentatively and you pulled him off the front steps and onto the sidewalk with you. You then began skipping, still holding his hand. To say he was shocked would be an understatement. You were exploding with pure joy and he couldn’t help but skip with you. You both soon broke out into a fit of laughter.

After a little less than a block of skipping and giggling, you stopped and bent over. Your laughter too intense to continue. Seeing you like this filled Taeyong with so much energy. It was such a relief to see you so carefree.

“Okay, okay, I’m done.” Your laughter was slowly dying, but your smile was still there. Taeyong’s own cheeks began to hurt from smiling so fiercely. He linked his arm with yours and the two of you continued walking to class.

“You should be like this more often.” Taeyong nudged you with his arm.

“I would love to be like this more often. Feels like I’m in high school again.” You took a deep breath and began again excitedly. “Oh, I have an idea! You go to all my professors and say ‘For the health of my wonderful, irreplaceable best friend, stop having so many projects.’ Anonymously, of course. I don’t need the professors thinking I can’t handle the workload. Could you do that?” You were obviously joking but Taeyong would do it. You did need a break and thankfully, one was right around the corner.

“Anything for you.” He said honestly. He really would do anything you asked without questioning. The power you had over him was almost embarrassing.

“Yeah, yeah you say that all the time.” You giggled again. The sound had always reminded Taeyong of the softest little bells. Once when you were younger and watching It’s a Wonderful Life, he had told you that when you laughed, angels got their wings. It was incredibly corny but he was ten.

“What if we skip class today. This good mood is too good to be wasted.” It was an empty suggestion. He knew you would never go along with it. You didn’t even miss classes when you sick.

“Believe it or not, I would take you up on that offer if I didn’t have to present that project today. I might lose my internship if I just skipped class just because I already have a good grade. Damn, I actually want to skip now…” You genuinely looked like you were contemplating. You chewed lightly at your bottom lip.

He jerked your arm slightly. “Watch it, Ferris Bueller. I was just kidding. I have a workshop in my music production class that I don’t wanna miss, anyway. Don’t think too hard about it.” He teased you. “We’re walking into our building, anyway.” He felt like you had gotten to campus so fast even though it was really only a 10-minute walk from his apartment to the building. “Good luck on your presentation. Make me proud.”

You unlinked your arm from his and started to turn towards your class. You turned around to give him a small wave before rounding the corner.

Taeyong’s workshop was incredibly helpful but unfortunately ended with the assignment of another project. The last project that was assigned still hadn’t been started. It seemed like the rest of his class was chatting about the completion of the last project and how this workshop helped with the finishing touches. He turned to the guy next to him. He was smaller in stature but constantly looked intimidating. Taeyong has also been told he looks scary which is probably why it was the two of them in the back by themselves while everyone else seemed to have made friends throughout the semester.

“Hey, um, how far into the project are you? I’m starting to get worried about not having started yet. I was hoping this workshop would give me some direction.” Taeyong was really hoping this guy wasn’t that intimidating because he was tired of not knowing anyone in the class.

“I haven’t started either. I haven’t known what to do. Usually, I would have been done by now but I’ve kinda hit a wall. Jihoon, by the way.” Jihoon stuck out his hand and Taeyong accepted.

“Taeyong.”

Jihoon let out a small chuckle. “I was starting to think no one would talk to us. Guess we look too scary.”

“Guess so. I mean I was too scared to talk to you even though I sat next to you. Got tired of not knowing anyone though.” Taeyong ran his hand through his hair.

“Yeah, me too honestly. I’m not mean. I just take this class seriously. Anyway, you said you hadn’t started yet either. What are you gonna do?” Jihoon asked him.

“I have this song I’ve been working on forever and It has potential. It’s just that right now… I hate it. It makes me wanna stab my eardrums.” Taeyong sighed.

“Dude, I feel that. I’ve been there. Hey, we still have 30 minutes to work. What if I listen to it. Maybe I can help. Then, when I actually have something, you can listen to mine. I scratch your back, you scratch mine.” Taeyong did admit that it might help. He pulled up the file that had been a pain in his side for almost a year. He started it after you had a huge heartbreak, but no matter what he does to it, it never feels right. It was a pretty basic “I love you but you love him” song. He didn’t understand why it was proving to be such a challenge.

Jihoon took his pair of headphones and connected them with Taeyong’s laptop. He seemed to be listening intently, really taking in every note that Taeyong had put together to make the song. He hadn’t added the vocals yet so Taeyong had the lyrics pulled up next to the track.

“Honestly,” Jihoon began, “it’s not as bad as you think it is. The beat is a little heavy for what you’re trying to do. I feel like your issue isn’t with the song, it’s with what the song is about. Seems to me like you wrote it for someone but there’s gotta be some tension or issue between the two of you because the lyrics start to lack feeling, especially when you put it with the track. It’s good, but it feels forced. It definitely seems like it’ll be an easy fix. Your issue is personal though so whether or not it’s easy really depends on you.” He slid Taeyong’s laptop back to him. “Don’t sell yourself short. It’s a good song. It just feels like something that was cranked out by a machine instead of something that was written by you.”

“Wow. Um, thanks. I don’t really know what to say. I honestly thought that track was a flaming pile of shit. But, knowing it’s fixable is definitely reassuring.” The relief he felt was indescribable. At least he knew that if worse comes to worst, he could turn this in and at least pass.

“I’ll have something for you to listen to soon, hopefully. You’ve got talent so I really would appreciate your perspective.” Jihoon spoke with such a genuine tone, Taeyong wished he had spoken to him sooner. They ended up showing each other their various projects and tracks they were working on until class was over.

Taeyong spent his next few classes trying to figure out why he was so disconnected from the song he felt like he poured his soul into. The only thing he kept thinking about was how he hadn’t told you how he felt, but when it really came down to it, he didn’t want to tell you how he felt. That opened up the possibility of hurting you.

He walked back to his apartment listening to the songs that inspired his current project in hopes of finding some other way to fix the song. When he finally got home, he swung the door open and threw his stuff down. His frustration was starting to overflow. He had never been this bothered by a track before. He also had never really been stuck like this on a track before.

“Jaehyun, can we go get food, please. I’m so tired of thinking about this project. And not to mother you but it is 1:30 and you need to get up.” Taeyong walked into his room to find an empty bed. He got out his phone and texted his roommate.

_ty bby:  Dude please tell me you didn’t go get food without me. I will actually cry :(_

_jae <3: I would never!!!!!! I’m on my way home rn. Want me to pick up something for you?_

_ty bby: Nah, just get home and we can go somewhere. I’m feeling the need for ~good~ food. I feel like shit._

_ty bby: and I thought you were staying in today? Where’d you go?_

_jae <3: I changed my mind like 5 mins after you left. I was barely even late._

_jae <3: was too scared to miss studio. It’s getting hard_

_ty bby: K well hurry up. I’m hungry_

_jae <3: I’m here whiny bitch get down here._

_ty bby: I’m taking the heart away from your name._

_ty bby: On my way down._

Taeyong met Jaehyun downstairs and instantly threw himself onto him. “Today sucked. Take me on a lunch date.”

“Dude, no. Studio was ass. We’re sticking to the normal sad lunch deal.” Jaehyun pushed him off. “What happened with you though?”

“We can talk about our struggles and strife over lunch. But if we don’t eat right this second I will pass out. So let’s go please.”

They walked and talked about everything that didn’t suck. They tried to leave negative talking points until the food was in front of them so that they couldn’t get too sad since the food helped keep everything at a neutral. They ended up at a random burger place a couple blocks away from their apartment because Taeyong was too hungry to keep walking and Jaehyun didn’t care enough to find something better. So there they sat, in an old booth that was almost falling apart beneath them, ordering burgers neither of them really cared to have. But, food is food.

When they finally got their food, Jaehyun talked about his architecture studio and it really did suck. He made an entire floor plan for a home just to be told it wasn’t functional or ideal. It wouldn’t have been a big deal if he wasn’t already almost finished with the model.

“I’m gonna have to start from scratch. Scrap the whole thing. It’s so frustrating. I don’t have the free time for this. I’m in two other architecture classes and they all have models due soon, as well.” He poked his burger with one of the french fries. The burgers weren’t that bad but Jaehyun said earlier that he wasn’t that hungry now that he thought about his project. “This feels like heartbreak, except it’s worse. It’s having your hopes and dreams crushed right in front of you when you just wanted to make a model for a cute house for a family that could possibly be your own in the future. I hate architecture. I’m changing my major.” He dropped his head on the table.

“No, you’re not. Who cares if that one guy hated your project. Just turn in something he would like. Unfortunately, you’re going to be building for others for the rest of your life. At least they’ll give you a little more direction. But, when you are ready to build your dream house, you’ll be able to do whatever you want and no one can tell you it’s not ideal. You’re good at this, Jae. I saw the model for the floor plan you presented today and I, personally, really liked it. Don’t throw all of this away. You have to build me my mansion when I’m rich.” Taeyong did his best to comfort him. He knew architecture was a hard major, but he really did believe that Jaehyun could do it. There was a constant air of encouragement between the two as they both frequently became discouraged about their career choices and needed to be uplifted.

“Thanks. I know you’re right. It’s just so hard sometimes.” Taeyong reached out and patted his best friend’s shoulder as Jaehyun began again. “What happened in your workshop? I thought you were really excited for today.”

“I was. And I got a lot of help. I met this guy and he’s brilliant. His tracks are on another level and he told me my stuff was good and I could tell he meant it. It was such a huge encouragement.” Taeyong started.

“I thought you said today sucked. I didn’t stop crying tears onto my burger to hear about how your life is suddenly making sense. This is supposed to be sad lunchtime.” Jaehyun teased lightly.

“I’m getting there.” Taeyong pointed a french fry at Jaehyun before taking a bite and continuing. “So the track I decided to use for my project supposedly isn’t that bad, but Jae, I hate it. I hate this track so so much. The guy I met said my issue with it is personal and it’s reflecting in the music. But the problem is, I don’t know what my problem with the song is except that it pisses me off. I have been brainstorming about what’s wrong with it for hours and it hasn’t done anything except make me hate it more. So that guy helped a lot but at the same time, he made it worse.” He rubbed his temples, frustration beginning to rise again.

“Damn. At least I know what’s wrong with my project. You’re just floating.” Jaehyun replied.

“Yours is definitely still worse. You’re having to start completely over. You win sad lunch.” Taeyong said.

Anytime they both had a bad day, they would have what has come to be known as sad lunch or sad dinner. They go to a restaurant, talk about how absolutely horrible their day was, and whoever had the worst day gets free food courtesy of the person who had the less bad day.

“Is the song about ___?” Jaehyun asked.

“Why would it be about ___?” Taeyong feigned innocence.

“How long are you going to be stupid?” Jaehyun countered.

“When are you going to stop answering a question with another question?”

“Are you gonna realize you started it?”

“Fine, you’re right. You win. The song isn’t about ___ though.” Taeyong took out his wallet to pay for the bill. He was grateful they settled for the cheap burger place now that he was the loser of the sad lunch. But maybe Jaehyun could give him a little bit more insight on the issue without Taeyong completely giving away his feelings. “And even if it was about her, what would that bit of information do?”

“Well, I would just tell you the problem with the song is that it’s for someone you keep denying you have feelings for. But, if it’s not about ___ then what do I know?” Jaehyun dusted off his hands and stood up, waiting for Taeyong.

“No more questions or hypotheticals, please. My head is starting to hurt.” He pressed his palm against his forehead and faked a migraine and bumped into Jaehyun as they made their way out of the restaurant and back to the apartment.

“Jaehyun?” Taeyong began.

“I thought you said no more questions.” Jaehyun teased.

“That was hardly a question.”

“You expected me to answer. That makes it a question.” Taeyong rolled his eyes. Jaehyun saw before continuing, “Okay, what is it?”

“You didn’t actually think you were going to skip this morning, did you?” Taeyong didn’t understand why he would let the two of them leave this morning just to leave 5 minutes later.

“Nope. I knew I had to present my progress today.”

“Then, why?” Taeyong was left more confused than he was before. It’s not even like Jaehyun debated skipping. He knew he couldn’t miss.

“I have my reasons.” He readjusted the backpack on his shoulders as they walked.

“One more question,” Taeyong said.

“Good God. Are you a toddler?” Jaehyun asked. He pretended to be annoyed but Taeyong saw right through it.

He thought about asking what he thought Taeyong’s feelings for you were exactly. He wanted to know if this was obvious and if he needed to take a step back in order to prevent you from getting hurt. Instead, he asked, “Can we get ice cream?”

“You really are a child.” Jaehyun laughed. “Yes, of course, we can get ice cream. I’ll pay since I feel like you still had a tough day. Even if I did win today’s sad lunch.” Jaehyun threw his arm around him and they made their way to the ice cream shop.

* * *

By the time Friday had come around, Taeyong was nervous. He had been getting weird anticipation jitters any time he and you had anything planned. It was much better for him when you would just drop by. It didn’t give him time to think about the fact that he was going to be with her for an extended period of time that wasn’t just lunch between classes.

“Jaehyun, you ready to head out? ___ wants me to pick up something sweet. The bakery she likes is on the way.” Taeyong walked out of his room to find Jaehyun laying on the couch reading a book.

“I’m sick” was all the answer he got.

“I know you aren’t sick and I know you don’t have plans for tonight. I went through your planner.” Taeyong sighed. First, he skipped out on walking with them the other morning and now this.

“You went through my planner? That’s a huge invasion of privacy. You know how I feel about that. Shit’s like my diary.” Jaehyun shouted, slightly teasing but slightly serious.

Taeyong really didn’t understand the weird secrecy that came with Jaehyun’s planner but it was a little bit funny how serious he took it. All that was in it was his class and work schedule.

Jaehyun put his book on the table and stood up.“Okay but seriously, why can’t you spend any alone time with ___ anymore without acting like it’s the end of the world. You grew up together. I’ll come with you tonight, but I’m tired of third wheeling. Work your personal stuff out and stop pulling me into it.”

“The angst. It is spewing out of you my friend.”

“I’m gonna schedule ‘Avoid Taeyong’ into my planner.” He mumbled in response.

“Wow, that’s the Jaehyun equivalent of shit talking in your journal. Make sure to call me a dick or something. It’ll make you feel better venting to your agenda.” Taeyong pushed him out the door.

“My planner listens when you don’t. Why are we even friends? When is our lease up?”

“Because you love me. And who are you going to live with? Johnny, Yuta, and Ten? Have fun with that.” They were close with their other friends but living together would be a disaster. They were loud and a total mess. Taeyong hated going to their apartment unless he had a mask, gloves, and febreze.

“You’re right. I guess I’ll keep you.” Jaehyun sighed like living with him was the end of the world. “What are you gonna get from the bakery.”

“Something sweet like you,” Taeyong answered, batting his eyelashes at his best friend.

“Nevermind. I’m calling Yuta tonight.” Jaehyun laughed.

They found themselves in the bakery and decided to just buy cookies. Taeyong suggested cupcakes and Jaehyun shot it down by saying, “If I have cupcakes and you sitting next to me, I’ll go into a coma from all the sweetness.”

People consistently told them that their friendship reminded them of an old married couple. Taeyong and Jaehyun were usually pretty proud of that. To them, it just meant that they had reached a new level of comfort with the other.

By the time they had reached your apartment, they had both discussed how much they loved and appreciated each other and apologize for any wrongdoings against the other. Even stuff as simple as, “One day I used your toothbrush because I was too tired to realize it wasn’t mine. I’ll buy you a new one.” They were both in fits of laughter when they walked through the door.

“My my if it isn’t the happy couple.” Your roommate said with a smirk.

“Please, Soheyon. You know you would be heartbroken if I was actually gay.” Jaehyun retorted. Taeyong had forgotten they dated for two months a little while back. Their relationship was so finicky and fleeting that he forgot about it often. They keep saying they figured out the chemistry was pretty much just physical and everything else was platonic, so it ended there. Taeyong often thought otherwise.

“___, I am not sitting by him tonight,” Sohyeon yelled into the kitchen.

“Are you staying?” Taeyong didn’t know why he felt upset about her staying. It felt really hypocritical since he brought Jaehyun, but he didn’t really intend on movie night becoming a group thing.

“Yeah, ___ asked me to stay. I didn’t have any plans anyway. If I would have known my blessed ex-boyfriend was coming, I would have found something to do.” She settled in on the chair facing the TV.

“I know you missed me,” Jaehyun told her.

“Actually, I tolerate you and you tolerate me too. Stop flirting with me. We broke up like a year ago. You’re gross.” Sohyeon pretended to be disgusted, but they were both laughing. Jaehyun took the seat on the couch closest to her chair and she kicked him. Their relationship had always been like this. Taeyong frequently questioned the “brother/sister” relationship they claimed to have since breaking up.

Taeyong walked into the kitchen to find ___. “Hey, I didn’t realize Sohyeon was staying.”

“Hmm? Oh. Well, you brought Jaehyun so I figured I could invite her. She does live here.” You put a popcorn bag in the microwave before turning to face him, hip resting on the counter.

“I just never really intended for this to be like a group thing.” He whispered. He knew he made a mistake when you looked at him with raised eyebrows.

“Taeyong, if I’m not wrong, you were the one that made this a group thing by starting to include Jaehyun.” He should have seen this coming.

“This is all starting to feel passive aggressive. If you didn’t want me to include Jaehyun, you should have just told me. Don’t invite Sohyeon and make the situation worse.” You had a horrible habit of acting out but never telling Taeyong why you were upset with him. The few fights the two of you had had had been pretty one-sided since Taeyong never knew what was happening.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I just have been so bummed out by movie night lately because it used to be our thing, you know? Even if all our friends wanted to have movie night, we still had ours by ourselves. Since we got to college, we’ve been spending less and less time together, just us, every year and it bummed me out. I’m sorry. I was being immature.” Taeyong was more upset with himself for missing all of this and neglecting you without even noticing. You shouldn’t even have to have this conversation. He was trying to distance himself, but every time you got like this, any progress he made was erased.

He hugged you, pulling you into his chest without worrying about his actions. “Let’s have a sleepover tonight, yeah? We haven’t done that in a while.” He spoke softly into the crown of your head. “I’m sorry I didn’t pick up on how you were feeling. I haven’t been a good friend.”

“Yong, stop. I’m apologizing right now. You can apologize for whatever you’re feeling unnecessarily guilty for later. Let me be nice to you for once.” You gave him a little push and Taeyong let you go. He thought that maybe, just maybe, he should consider trying to be more than friends.

“You’re always nice to me. I’m the mean one.” The microwave went off so he took out the popcorn and poured it in the bowl. “Thanks for not fighting with me about this. I hate when you’re upset.”

“Sure thing. And hey, let’s definitely have a sleepover. Just don’t invite Jae, okay? I love the guy but I’m getting sick of his face. Besides, I think Sohyeon would kill you.” Taeyong laughed while you picked up the bowl and made your way to the living room. You curled up on the other corner of the couch and threw Taeyong a pillow to sit on since he was stuck on the floor.

The four of you started the movie and he settled into his place on his pillow with you passing him handfuls of popcorn over his shoulder. About halfway through the movie, you put the bowl on the floor and Taeyong felt a hand in his hair and he froze. You were playing with his hair and he wasn’t quite sure how to react to the touch he should be used to. Your nails were slightly grazing his scalp while the strands of hair were gently being moved by your fingers. He couldn’t move for fear that you would stop. This felt like he was completely taking advantage of your friendship and your comfort with him by allowing you to do all this when you had no idea how he truly felt. But, he stayed where he was. He saw Sohyeon shoot him a knowing look with a stupid smirk on her face. He felt like he was in an alternate reality.

When you eventually stopped, Taeyong let out a small sigh. He looked up to find that you had stopped because Jaehyun was asleep in your lap and you were rubbing his back, eyes still stuck on the screen. His heart sank. Anytime he felt like maybe you might reciprocate his feelings, he was reminded that the two of you were friends. Your cuddling a few movie nights ago couldn’t have meant anything to you if you were curled up with Jaehyun tonight.

When the movie was finally over, you lifted Jaehyun’s head and put him gently on the couch. When you started to walk towards your room, Taeyong took the pillow out from under him and threw it at you. She let out a small yelp and shot him a warning glance before quietly whispering, “You do not want to start this war with me, Lee Taeyong.”

Sohyeon sighed. “I don’t care what you two do or where but I’m going to bed. Don’t wake up the fuckboy on the couch because I don’t want to deal with him.”

“He’s only a fuckboy around you,” Taeyong told her.

“So glad I bring that out in people.” She rolled her eyes, “Goodnight.” With that, she left the living room and shut the door behind her.

“Are you gonna sleep out there or come hang out with me?” You asked him from your doorway. Taeyong had almost forgotten that he let his guard down for the smallest second and suggested a sleepover. He forced himself to get up and already was dreading his decision. You jumped onto your bed and climbed to your side. You never had argued about what side because you always slept on the left and Taeyong slept on the right. It made sharing a bed way too easy. You had been doing it for so long that if Taeyong decided to sleep on the floor, it would turn into a large argument about how they’ve always done this and he was just being silly. So he found himself crawling into bed next to her.

“We use to do this all the time… Movie night and a sleepover. What happened?” You asked while staring at the ceiling, hands clasped slightly over your chest.

“I dated Haeun and then you dated ‘he who will not be named or I’ll want to kill him all over again’.” His own position mirrored yours. You used to link arms when you were little but thankfully stopped that a long time ago.

You let out a small chuckle. “I thought we just decided on ‘he who shall not be named’ because he was as evil as Voldemort.”

“Yeah. We did. But all the extra stuff at the end really drives home how much I hate him.” You were laughing again.

Taeyong was looking at you now, but he wished he hadn’t. He had thought you were the “pwettiest giwl in the whole wowld” when he first met her at 5 years old and used to tell you all the time. He found that he still held the same opinion as 5 year old him, but he told you a lot less. Maybe he’s loved you since he was 5. He would laugh but it all felt like it was too much of a possibility.

“Yeah, but when he and I broke up, why not pick it up then?”

“We broke our routine. You know how I am with routines. We made a new one that was relationship friendly. Monthly movie night with no sleepovers. It just kinda stuck.” It was an honest answer. He had gotten so used to the new style of movie night, he had almost forgotten about the old way things were done. He wished he still forgot because now he was laying next to the girl he loved so much it hurt.

You nodded. “That makes sense.”

“Also, you were the one that told me not to invite Jaehyun and then you rubbed his back until he was asleep. You can’t push the blame on me at breakfast when Sohyeon is pissy about dealing with him before noon.” He was joking around but part of him needed you to know he saw. He needed to dig to see what you would confess in the privacy of your room.

All he got was a slight blush brushing your cheeks and, “He toppled over. He was already asleep when I was rubbing his back. I just needed something to do with my hand. You know how I get…”

“Mhm, sure.” was all he managed to say. It felt like you were trying to cover up whatever it was you felt and it hurt him more than he liked to admit. The proximity felt like too much all of a sudden so he turned on his side away from you. He could still feel the heat from your body but at least your arms weren’t up against each other anymore.

“You going to sleep already? It’s not that late. I feel like I’ve barely been able to talk to you and you’re already passing out on me.” You sighed and he felt you turn on your side, hopefully away from him.

“Yeah, a long day I guess.” He felt a hand on his shoulder that began rubbing his back. His breathing stopped once again. How was it that every single touch still caught him off guard and made the air leave his lungs?

“We can talk about it tomorrow if you want. But I guess it was later than I thought. Maybe we should go to bed.” Your hand fell from his shoulders and he felt the bed shift, signaling you turning around. Once you had settled in, he could finally breathe again. He really didn’t want to talk about how his best friend that he happened to be in love with had feelings for his roommate. He knew he was going to have to make something up by the time morning cam so, he thought up yet another lie he would have to tell to protect his feelings until he fell asleep.

Taeyong woke up lying on his back with your hand curled into his shirt at his shoulder and his chest ached. Waking up like this only made him wish it could be like this every morning. He unconsciously reached up and began rubbing your hand, to your wrist, and down your forearm back and forth.

“Good morning.” You spoke sleepily into his shoulder and Taeyong swore the grogginess lit his heart on fire.

“Morning.” He dropped his hand and tried to focus on the ceiling instead of how sweet you looked curled up next to him.

You seemed to realize how close you were and jerked away, rolling back to your side of the bed. It hurt. You didn’t jerk away when Jaehyun slept on your lap last night. He forced himself to take a deep breath. He couldn’t be upset with you for having feelings just because they weren’t feelings for him.

His thought process was interrupted by a loud crash followed by Sohyeon screaming, “Jaehyun, you moron!” and a chorus of laughter from both of them.

“We should probably get up, huh?” Taeyong said in your direction.

“Nah, I’m gonna let them work out their feelings for each other. There’s obviously sexual tension between them or something. It’s painful to be in the same room as them.” You laughed. “Besides, the one reason I agreed to the sleepover was so that we could actually hang out and talk but someone went to sleep on me.”

“Hey, I went to sleep because you agreed that it was getting late. It was like what? 11pm?” He defended himself.

“When have we ever gone to bed before 2am when we’re together. You’ve grown weak, old man.” You sat up in bed and Taeyong promptly hit you with a pillow.

“You do not want to start this. My threat from last night still applies. In fact, it is even more serious because I don’t have to worry about waking up your husband anymore.” You gave him what Taeyong assumed was supposed to be a warning glare. He didn’t take it very seriously and hit you again, laughing. Toeing a very dangerous line, he picked up yet another pillow.

It didn’t take long for you to snap and join in with him. Pillows flew and hit each other. He didn’t realize how many pillows you really had. It was a little ridiculous but for the time being, they were valuable ammo. Your laugh flooded his ears and he was intoxicated. Once he was out of precious pillows, he stupidly resulted in wrestling. It took until you were pinned underneath him that he was aware of just how close the two of you were. His chest ached from laughing but everything settled down quickly as the realization of your current position flooded his mind.

Taeyong released your wrists and got up, clearing his throat “Um, we should probably make sure our roommates aren’t making out over our food or something.”

“Yeah, yeah, definitely. That would be gross.” You were clearly flustered and he couldn’t tell if it was because of the situation they were just in or because of his insinuation about Jaehyun and Sohyeon.

Taeyong helped you up and you walked out into the living room to find Jaehyun and Sohyeon staring.

“If you’re done doing whatever you’re doing, Jaehyun managed to make something edible for lunch. It’s in the kitchen.” Sohyeon finally spoke, picking up her sandwich.

“I can make food. I cook all the time at home.” Jaehyun mumbled while eating.

“It’s a miracle Taeyong is still alive, then” She teased and nudged him before continuing to eat her own food.

The two of you made your way into the kitchen. Taeyong picked up his food, but you seemed a little bit reluctant. “Do you think… they, like, did something while making it,” you grimaced.

“What do you mean?” They were just sandwiches. It was hardly cooking. He ate one of the chips on his plate.

“You know like freaky stuff. What if the mayo-” You started.

“I’m going to stop you right there, sicko.” Taeyong laughed. “Please just eat it. I am and I refuse to eat a possible mysterious substance alone.”

“What a true friend you are, don’t even want to save me. If we die, we die together. So selfish.” You shook your head laughing and made your way out to join the other two. Taeyong got comfortable next to you and sat on the floor in front of the coffee table, across from Sohyeon and Jaehyun.

“So,” Taeyong started, “Do my favorite pairs of exes wanna explain what was going on in the kitchen this morning. Sounds like you were having a little too much fun making sandwiches.” He smirked at the two in front of him and they froze with eyes wide. “Dare I say, you look guilty? But of what? You’re just friends, right?”

“I could say the same thing to you. Sounded pretty rowdy for two people who were supposed to be sleeping… In the same bed.” Jaehyun’s counter-attack was pretty strong, but you and Taeyong were innocent while he and Sohyeon were definitely not.

“Oh, because I’m sure you stayed on the couch all night. Especially since you could make the excuse of not having a pillow and a blanket.” Jaehyun choked and Sohyeon covered her face. “I knew it. Anyway, the sandwiches are mediocre. You were probably distracted while making them, so I’ll let it slide.” He won this battle but he was sure he wouldn’t hear the end of it once they got home.

Taeyong noticed that you hadn’t said anything since you sat down. You just ate quietly, picking at the crust of the bread and letting it fall to your plate. He felt like you were probably a little bit upset if you really did have feelings for Jaehyun. He placed a comforting hand on your knee, rubbing back and forth with his thumb. After a few seconds, your hand met his, sliding your fingers between his own. He was glad Jaehyun and Sohyeon were too distracted with their own embarrassment to pay any attention to the two of you. Sohyeon probably would have turned it into something it wasn’t.

He resisted the urge to lean over and rest his head on your shoulder, knowing your current situation probably looked suspicious enough. He really didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. He was too busy worrying about how close you were to him and being hyper-aware of every time you inched closer. He was still awake when you curled into him during the night, but he didn’t have the energy to stop pretending the whole thing was normal. He couldn’t break his own heart. After you settled into his side, he found sleep quickly. It all just felt so right and now she was holding his hand as if it was something they did all the time. He had to quit playing pretend because it was only making his wants spiral deeper. He let go of her hand and forced himself to stand up.

“Jaehyun, we should probably head out. You have work this afternoon.” Taeyong said while carrying his plate to the kitchen.

“This is why I hate when you read my planner. You force me to be responsible.” Jaehyun stood up and kissed the top of Sohyeon’s head before walking towards the door. “We’ll see you guys later.”

Taeyong said his goodbyes as well before following Jaehyun out the door.

“Jae, what happened. You broke up because you said there wasn’t anything more there than a friendship.” Taeyong asked but he already knew.

“There wasn’t. There is now. It just wasn’t the right time. We thought we could give it one more shot before we just gave up forever.” Jaehyun shrugged.

“Took you long enough. ___ and I hate being in the same room as you two with all the unresolved tension.” Taeyong laughed.

“Oh, because you and ___ don’t have unresolved tension? There was a very weird energy between you two when you came out of her room this morning. And don’t think I didn’t see you two holding hands acting all innocent.” Jaehyun poked him. “I just wasn’t gonna pick a fight because you have more dirt on me than I have on you.”

“I have no clue what you’re talking about. We’re friends and have been since we were kids.” Taeyong felt himself getting unnecessarily defensive.

“So, you aren’t in love with her?” Jaehyun asked. It sounded like he was going to believe what he wanted, no matter the answer he got.

“No. I love her, but I am not in love with her.”

“Alright, whatever you say.”

Taeyong felt his phone go off in his back pocket, taking it out to find a couple texts from you. He couldn’t help but smile at the name you gave yourself in his phone.

_the bestest friend ever: hey, you left your sweatshirt here_

_The bestest friend ever: i can maybe get it back to you if we get dinner tomorrow night?_

_Yong: We can get dinner but keep the jacket. I know you like that one_

_the bestest friend ever: yeah… on you_

_Yong: Well, maybe I’ll like it on you better_

Taeyong instantly regretted the last text and pocketed his phone without even checking to see if you had responded. He didn’t want to see what you said even if you did answer. He wasn’t in love with you. Maybe if he kept telling himself the lies he told everyone else, he would start to believe it.

“Um… Do you wanna get dinner with me and ___ tomorrow night?” Taeyong asked. He shouldn’t have agreed to the dinner.

“I’m getting dinner with Sohyeon. Why can’t you just go on the date that ___ asked you on without making me tag along.” Jaehyun pulled out his phone and let out a small chuckle after looking at the screen.

“Is Sohyeon the one texting you? Oh my god, you two are disgusting.” Taeyong sighed. “And it’s not a date it’s just dinner.”

“Yeah, okay then show me your texts with her asking you to just dinner.” Jaehyun raised an eyebrow.

“No. You’ll go through all my texts.” Taeyong left his phone in his pocket.

“Why are you so worried about that if it really is just dinner?”

“Just… I don’t know, forget it.” He really didn’t have anything to defend himself with. The texts would be very incriminating.

“You’re pitiful, dude.” Jaehyun laughed.

“Fuck you.” He kicked a few rocks and continued walking.

“Sohyeon already did.” A smirk was growing on Jaehyun’s face.

“I will not hesitate to shove you in front of the next bus I see.” Taeyong shot him a warning glare while Jaehyun just continued laughing.

“It’s okay. She actually didn’t. I asked to stay in her room when I woke up on the couch and we stayed up all night talking. We hardly even kissed. We agreed we wanted to take it slow this time around. You don’t have to worry about walking in on any funny business for a while.” Jaehyun patted his shoulder.

“If you continue calling it funny business, you may not ever participate in any.” Taeyong teased. “I’m happy for you though I really am.”

They reached their apartment and began to make their way inside.

“Thanks, Yong. Now, I’ll just wait for you to not have a doomed love life.”

Taeyong thought he could be waiting quite awhile.

* * *

You walked into Taeyong’s room Sunday night. “Hey, you about ready for dinner? We can order take out. Jae said you were working on your project.” She spoke in such a soft, caring voice and Taeyong tried to ignore the way it made warmth spread through his chest.

“No, no it’s all good. I fixed up the lyrics and now I’m just finishing up the beat. There’s not a lot left.” His music production class was starting to hand his ass to him. He always enjoyed making music, but this class showed him he wasn’t very good at it. Or at least not as good at it as he originally thought. His tracks were usually sloppy and had an intensely unfinished sound to them. At least now, Taeyong could say that he was improving. The professor was tough, but he learned a lot. Everything about music was finally starting to make sense to him. This dream of working in the music industry, either as a performer or producer, was starting to feel like it could become a reality.

“Good, I’m glad. I know you were really excited to finally get to take this class.” You walked in and sat on his bed. “I’m gonna close my eyes for a bit before we leave.”

“You gotta stay up and keep me company. I’ve locked myself in here since I got home from your place so I could start on this project. The lack of human contact is overwhelming.” Taeyong listened to the section he had been trying to feel out.

“You act as if you’ve been isolated for weeks and not 24 hours. Besides, when is this project due. Why are you working on all of it now?” You were always the type to be done with a project the week it was signed while Taeyong started the week it was due. He always felt like the sense of impending failure would motivate him to get it done.

“It’s due the Friday after break.” He answered while continually clicking around on the program.

“You’re telling me, you wrote an entire song in a day? And you’re already almost done producing it?” You looked impressed.

“No, no. I’ve been playing with this song for over a year and I couldn’t get it right. I was hoping that maybe making it my project would help me. So really, I’ve been tinkering with it for a day. I do think I’m almost done though. It went from sucking to not completely sucking.” He sighed. He really hadn’t felt like he had gotten anywhere, but he didn’t need to let you know that. Jihoon was right. The problem with the song had less to do with the song and more to do with why he wrote it and who he wrote it for. He rubbed his hands over his face, frustration beginning to leak through. He was slightly impressed with himself for turning what he saw as a disaster into something he at least didn’t hate anymore. He also could admit he felt a little relief knowing he had the week-long break and then an entire other week to continue perfecting it. Plus, he and Jihoon had arranged to meet the Tuesday after break. They would listen to each other’s songs and maybe help fix them up before the due date. The guy was a lifesaver and incredibly talented. Taeyong was incredibly thankful for the burst of confidence that allowed him to talk to Jihoon.

“Hm, I see. Well, maybe the dinner will be a nice breather. Then you can get back to work. At least you don’t have to worry about classes this week.” You smiled at him. Taeyong thought that it might have given him the strength to finish.

“Are you going home for the break?” You both grew up about an hour and a half away from campus and so it wouldn’t be too much of an inconvenience to go home.

“I don’t think so. Me and Sohyeon really haven’t gotten to hang out a lot this semester, even though we live together. I keep locking myself for weeks at a time to come up with all these mock commercials and mock campaigns. We thought maybe we would stay and hang out in town. Plus I think now her and Jaehyun wanna spend some time together thanks to their sudden reconciliation yesterday.”  You were playing with the bottom of the hoodie Taeyong left at her place. He did like it better on her, but he kept that comment to himself. “What about you?”

“Nah, I’ve got this project,” he waved to the computer, “and Jaehyun has some huge architecture studio project that started Friday. He’s dying. We’re thinking about hanging out with the rest of the guys closer to the end of the week, though. They’re going to the lake for the first half so we’ll catch them when they get back.” Taeyong saved his project and turned his chair to face the girl on his bed. “You ready to go?”

“Yessir, I was just waiting on you. Where do you wanna go?” You uncrossed your legs and stood up from the bed.

“Our place? We haven’t been in forever.” The two of you had started going to this one Japanese steakhouse as soon as you joined him at college. Ever since it’s been your place. You used to go all the time, but with both of their classes getting more intense, you’ve had less and less time to get something that wasn’t takeout. Dinner nights recently consisted of sitting in the middle of one of your rooms with homework spread out and cheap Chinese in your laps. Taeyong grabbed a jacket of his own before leading you out the door.

“Sorry, Jaehyun couldn’t come tonight. Apparently, he has a date with Sohyeon.” Taeyong apologized as they walked onto the street and out of his building.

“I didn’t even know you invited him.” You said quietly. There was quite a bit of silence before you spoke again. “Do you  _like_  Jaehyun, Taeyong?”

“What are you even talking about?” Where was this coming from? Not that he could say it, but the only person he really has ever wanted was the girl next to him.

“You just are always talking about inviting Jaehyun. Can we not just get dinner the two of us? We used to do it all the time until you introduced me to him. Is it because you like him? I said it jokingly earlier but I want you to know I love and-“ Taeyong cut her off with a glare.

“Okay, okay, not in love with Jaehyun. Got it. Figured you weren’t. I just thought maybe it would get you to tell me why he keeps tagging along.” You put your hands up defensively, your own way of waving a white flag. He wanted to reach out and hold one but he didn’t.

“I just thought  _you_  liked him. You were a little weird the next morning after joking about them getting together. You were even weirder when they basically confirmed it.” He answered honestly.

“I’ve been pushing Sohyeon to just shut up and date him for ages now. That wasn’t why I was acting weird. Jaehyun is alright, I guess, but I don’t have feelings for him” You shrugged as you continued walking towards your favorite restaurant.

His eyes were glued to you. Every time he looked at you, all he saw was his own sweatshirt. He still wanted to bring up the text he sent about liking it better on her and say he was right but, he was too scared to say anything for fear that she would never wear it in front of him again.

“You guess?” He poked a little bit.

“Yeah. I mean he’s a good friend of yours so obviously, I’ll be friends with him. It’s just that, I don’t know, I miss hanging out with you. I go over to your apartment and he’s there. You come over to mine and Sohyeon is there. I don’t drag my roommate with me everywhere just because you find her moderately pleasant.”

“You only find Jaehyun moderately pleasant?” He had a hard time taking your words at face value. He found himself digging deeper despite not wanting to know the true answer of your feelings.

“Yes, Taeyong, your best friend other than me is moderately pleasant. I don’t hate his presence. But maybe sometimes I prefer just your presence, okay?” You looked at him and bumped into him. He couldn’t help but throw his arm around your shoulder. He figured the gesture was platonic enough.

“Hmm. Still can’t believe you just tried to get me to come out to you. You’ve met my girlfriends.”

He smiled down at you and you began giggling

“Look, some people stay closeted their entire lives. And yes I have, unwillingly, met your girlfriends.”

He scoffed. “Unwillingly? I know some were bad, but Haeun was nice. Besides, I haven’t dated in a couple years” Haeun had been around the longest and he had thought that you had gotten to be very close with her.

“Bad? Yong, I was convinced that some were the spawn of Satan. They were horrible!” Your giggling had turned into a full laugh and Taeyong wanted to drown in the melody. “And no, Haeun wasn’t bad. I’m still friends with her. I still talk to her occasionally. She always asks how we are. Not how you are but we, which is a little weird. But, all that aside, she didn’t deserve you.”

“I’m starting to believe you don’t think anyone deserves me. I’m not that great.”

“No, I’m sure someone does deserve you. You just haven’t dated her yet.” You said indignantly.

“Whatever you say.” He wanted to tell you that you deserved him. And that he has in fact not dated you yet. But, he couldn’t bring himself to say it. The truth was, you didn’t deserve him because you deserved so much more than anything he could be. And for this very reason, he kept his mouth shut. He would allow his chest to cave in from how much he loved you before he risked ruining you.

“Besides, I haven’t met any of your boyfriends in awhile.”

“I haven’t had a boyfriend in a while. You know this. Stop rubbing my crappy lack of a love life in my face.” You smiled in order to solidify your teasing nature.

“Oh what? Because no one deserves you either?” This was true and Taeyong believed it with everything he had. You were so bright he swears he could probably still see clearly if the sun died out as long as you were beside him. No one deserved to have a part of your heart. He feared someone would put out the light because unfortunately, it had happened before. Your last break up brought darkness for months and it hurt him more than any of his own heartaches.

Haeun had ended things with him after making him realize how hard he had fallen for you. She deserved better than to be with a guy who had feelings for someone else, so Taeyong had let her go. He was honest with her about his feelings after she had mentioned his best friend. She told him she had known for a while but a selfish part of her wanted to hold onto him. She made it clear that if they ended things, she wanted him to tell you how he felt and to be happy. That very day you came home and wanted to go on a double date so he could meet your new boyfriend. The pain he felt that day was dull in comparison to the day you collapsed right inside his door a year later. You went to surprise your boyfriend with dinner and instead, you walked in on him removing another girl’s shirt while they laid in the middle of his living room floor.

You didn’t leave Taeyong’s couch for two weeks. You would get up, barely go to class, and come right back. Taeyong would hold you until you fell asleep and every time you cried, his heart broke a little more. If he would have told you how he felt, maybe this whole thing could have been avoided. But at that moment, his personal sunshine was hidden by what seemed to be never-ending storms. He was just as broken as the girl in his arms. It was then that Taeyong decided he wasn’t going to allow you to feel such pain again. He helped you rebuild your self-confidence and self-worth until your light shined once more. He finally began blooming himself because of it.

“Taeyong?” Your face bore a confused look.

“What is it?”

“I made a joke and you didn’t laugh.” You pretended to take it very personally.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t hear it. I was thinking about something. It probably wasn’t funny anyway.” God, those memories still ripped at his chest.

“What were you thinking about?”

“It’s nothing. I don’t even know what made me think about it.” Your emotions were like a flower and he couldn’t risk doing anything to wilt the petals. Bringing that up again could erase almost a year of work. He knew you still thought about it, but you didn’t need him to be the one to bring it up. He ruffled your hair before stepping away from you. Your perfume had begun to overwhelm him. Not because it was too strong, but because it wasn’t strong enough. He wanted to be closer, infinitely closer until you were the only thing that consumed any of his senses. But, he knew this was something he couldn’t have. He didn’t know how much longer he could take any of this before he snapped. He couldn’t tell you. He wasn’t going to be the one to strip you of your best friend. He needed to figure out how to distance himself.

They finally reached the restaurant. His heart hurt less since detaching himself from your side, but the emptiness your absence cause almost hurt worse.

“Can we just split again. One order is always too much food.” You flipped through the menu, eyes scanning the various dishes.

“Yeah, of course. You pick.” He smiled softly. This all was overwhelming. He’s been in love with you for years. He can’t keep sitting across from you, sharing food like nothing was between you two, even if it was one-sided.

“I pick? You never let me pick without a 30-minute argument. This feels like the last supper.” You teased lightly.

He was starting to think maybe there should be some truth to your words. Because of this, he ordered a drink. And then another.

Taeyong had always been a lightweight. He knew this. He knew he would be tipsy after two. So why he had three was beyond him. You laughed poking fun at the fact that he’s never been able to hold his liquor. You had two drinks that were stronger than his and were left unaffected.

You insisted on walking him back to her apartment, having him stay there. He knew this would happen. He hated himself for letting himself drink at all. He wasn’t drunk now that he had eaten and walked around and you both knew this. He still knew you would take care of him. His words weren’t even slurred but his inhibitions were gone, making him feel like he had to follow you wherever you lead. He wanted to be selfish. He wanted to surround himself with you one more night before he began to leave. He couldn’t continue having you in his life not knowing if you felt the same. And even if you did feel the same, he couldn’t be the one to drag you down. He would never forgive himself.

The two of you entered your apartment and he walked over to the couch, dropping himself onto it. Before he could realize, he was pulling you to sit next to him.

“Just stay here with me tonight, please… I need you to stay.” He found himself pleading while holding desperately onto your arm. Leaving you was going to be the hardest thing he had ever done, but he couldn’t stay. It was stay and continue hurting himself or confess and hurt you.

“Okay. Okay. Taeyong it’s okay. What happened. You’ve been acting weird ever since we started dinner. You never drink. Did I say something?” God, you were so sincere, so genuine. He couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t deserve you and he never would.

His voice lowered to a whisper and let his eyes fall to the floor. “I… I can’t do this anymore, ___.”

“What are you talking about? Hey, look at me..” You turned his face so his eyes met yours. It wasn’t long before his gaze drifted to your lips. He loved your lips. They were always such a tempting pink. There would be days where it took everything he had not to lean in and feel them on his. He didn’t have the strength to hold back tonight.

He didn’t think and he hated himself for it. He leaned in and pressed his lips to yours.

You automatically seemed to tense underneath him, but before he could pull away, you grabbed the front of his shirt and kissed him back. There was an intensity that could only come from years of waiting and wanting. You tasted like the fruity drink at dinner and somehow it was everything he expected. He needed more. He had to have more. He pulled you closer to him and bit onto your lower lip before using his tongue to part your lips and enter your mouth. He was so overwhelmed by the taste of you that he was beginning to lose control. Everything was too much but still not enough. He needed to feel as much of you as he could.

His hands roamed while your hand found purchase around the back of his neck, pulling him closer to you. He grabbed your waist and pulled you onto his lap. You let out the smallest moan and Taeyong pulled you even harder into him while pushing you down onto his lap and letting his hands roam to slide in the back pockets of your jeans. This earned him another moan and he was addicted.

The two of you were pushing and pulling at each other with everything you had. Pushing tongues together, pulling on shirts, pulling into each other. Everything felt like a battle and Taeyong was ready to surrender. Surrender completely under you and to you. He was barely processing what was happening, what he was doing, what he did before you broke away.

“Later, Yong. Let’s finish this later. You’ve been drinking.” You were breathing heavily, thumb grazing his cheek

It all came flooding back to him. There couldn’t be a later. He had to leave and now. He wanted to slowly distance himself but he crossed a line by kissing you. He couldn’t put this off anymore. He couldn’t ruin you. He couldn’t make her feel the pain the others did. He couldn’t be what you deserved. Because of that, he had to go.

He ran his hand through his hair before getting up without a word.

“Taeyong? Where are you going…”

He had to ignore you. He couldn’t bring himself to give you an explanation. He knew if he did, you would try and convince him to stay. He couldn’t let you talk him into ruining her life. So, he walked out the door without a word.

He found himself on the street walking back to his apartment that was only two blocks away. You picked your places because of their proximity to each other. He had never been more thankful for this than now. He needed to get home. When he reached his own place, he found that he had sobered up more than expected. He also found that the collar of his shirt was wet from the tears he didn’t realize he had been shedding. He had chosen to turn his back on the most important person in his life. His heart was broken and it was no one’s fault but his own.

He walked through his door, past a questioning Jaehyun, and into his room. He picked up the nearest thing he could find, throwing it, before collapsing on the floor. He hurt. Everything hurt. You had no idea of the permanence of his actions. You had no clue why he walked out. You had no idea how much he loved you. And that made it hurt worse.

His phone kept ringing and he knew it was you without even checking. The phone followed the same path the book he threw had taken. Taeyong had nothing left. He felt empty and so full of everything bad all at once. He needed to scream, yet he felt like he didn’t have a voice. So, he passed out in his place on the floor. Before he fell completely asleep, he heard Jaehyun outside his door.

“Yeah, he’s here. He walked in a few minutes ago… I’m not sure. He looked like he was really upset. Wouldn’t even talk to me, he just went straight to his room… I mean yeah, I would like for you to talk to him, too, but something tells me if he didn’t answer the seven calls you made, he won’t take the phone from me… That was harsh I’m sorry… ___, no, please don’t cry… Look, I’ll talk to him… I’ll do my best, but I can’t make any promises. I’ve only seen him like this once before and it was when that douchebag cheated on you… I’m not even going to ask what happened at your place… Just get some rest, okay? You sound exhausted… Goodnight.”

In the time he was trying not to hurt you, he hurt you anyway. He should have left when you got your boyfriend. Maybe you wouldn’t be in so much pain now.

Taeyong awoke the next morning around 9 AM with a slight headache but an even bigger hole in his chest. He had chosen to let you go. He chose to spare you the pain of knowing how he felt. All he could think about every time he was around you was that he didn’t deserve your light. He was left alone and the emptiness he felt was unimaginable. He could only think of one thing to do, so he did it.

He didn’t know why he did it. They hadn’t talked a lot since the breakup despite her swearing they were on good terms.

She picked up after a few rings.

“Hello?”

“Haeun, I.. I think I messed up.” His voice was scratchier than he realized and he hated himself for it.

“Taeyong? What’s happening? Are you okay?” He could hear her concerned tone through the phone. She was always so kind to him. He wished desperately that he could have loved her instead.

“I let her go. I had to let her go. She deserves more than I could ever be.” He was barely able to finish what he was saying before she started in.

“Okay, okay, hold on. Did you break up with her?” The confusion was becoming evident.

“We were never together.” He hated admitting it. Especially since he and Haeun ended things under the impression that he was going to be with you. Haeun was okay with that. It was all supposed to be fine.

“I’m gonna come over. You aren’t making any sense. You’re at the same place still right?”

“Yeah.”

She hung up. He didn’t know if this was a good idea. He knew you would come over to check on him and he also knew you would probably take it the wrong way. Maybe that was exactly what he needed. He needs you to walk in, assume the worst, and leave. It’s what you needed.

Ten minutes later he heard a knock on his door and Haeun came in, not waiting for an invitation.

“Hey, Jaehyun let me in. Damn, you look like shit. Did you sleep on the floor or something?” She was standing with her arms crossed and her brows furrowed. Taeyong let out a small laugh.

“Yeah, I did. I collapsed right where you’re standing. Stayed there until about five minutes ago.” He still was technically on the floor, his back pressed up against his bed behind him. Haeun walked over and sat down next to him.

“You’re lucky I know you’re a neat freak or I would have insisted on standing. Floors are gross” She patted his leg. “So, you wanna explain why two years ago, we broke up so you could be with ___ and then this morning you called me to tell me you let her go. And how could I forget? You weren’t dating.” Her words were harsh but her tone was anything but. It sounded more like pity than anything.

“That day we broke up, I came home to tell her. Tell her that I had feelings for her and if she didn’t feel the same way then it was okay. That I just couldn’t go without telling her. She came in and immediately told me to call you because she wanted to go on a double date so I could meet her new boyfriend. She was so bright, Haeun. Her smile lit up the whole damn room. I couldn’t be the one to put it out because I was selfish. So, I told her that you and I ended things, but I would be happy to meet him. I hated him. God, I hated him so much. I never thought I would see someone smother someone else like that. He was ruining her and I hated him for it. Their relationship was toxic and I always let her know, but she didn’t listen. I knew I could do better than him, be better than him.” He signed, resting his head on the bed behind him before continuing.

“One day, she came over. She walked in on him cheating on her. I had never been in so much pain. And it was all because she was hurting. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t be another person to hurt her like that. If we were to be together and something happened, she would lose a boyfriend and a best friend. That would be so fucked up and selfish of me to take both from her. I would never cheat on her, but couples break up for different reasons every day.” This was the first time he admitted any of this to anyone. Jaehyun didn’t know and neither did any of his other close friends. It felt like he was ripping open his own chest and he hated it.

“Why are you so quick to assume you wouldn’t last?” That was really the only thing she took from that?

“Why are you so quick to assume we would?”

“You always hid your feelings, Tae.” She shook her head. “From me, from Jaehyun, from our friends. But with ___, you were so open. I felt like I only got to see the real you when we were with her. That hurt me. It’s why I ended things with us. I hated that I was dating this boarded up version of you because you couldn’t even admit to yourself that you had given everything to her. You’re still as stupid and closed off as you were when we dated. You’re selfish. You’re convinced your way is the right way-” He cut her off.

“If you came here to insult me and kick me while I’m down, I want you to leave.”

“Listen for one second. I’m not insulting you, I’m telling you what you need to hear. Every single day, you live for yourself. Except when it comes to ___. You bloom around her. You live for her, serve her. And I have a feeling lately, she’s been the same way for you. You have your own light, Taeyong. Your own charisma and aura that’s addicting. It’s why I dated you. This has nothing to do with you not deserving her. It has nothing to do with protecting her so she doesn’t lose anyone. You’re scared of her hating you. You’re scared of losing her and her seeing you the same way she sees her ex. You’re being selfish. You haven’t even considered how she might feel. It’s obvious you love her. I don’t even know the girl that well anymore, but it was always obvious she loved you, too.”

“I feel like I’m in therapy or something.” He let out a small laugh,

“I don’t think therapists are supposed to talk this much. They want you to realize all on your own or some other self-discovery shit, I don’t know. But I know you, and I know you’re dumb with this stuff. So I had to tell you.” They both laughed. Taeyong hung his head. He knew she was right, but by now the damage was already done.

“I kissed her.” He told her. He felt like he had to tell her their break up wasn’t a complete waste. He did make some kind of move in two years.

“You ran out right after, didn’t you?”

“Yep.” They both laughed again.

“God, you’re so emotionally unintelligent it hurts me.” She was teasing but he knew there was at least a little bit of truth to her words.

His voice softened. “Thanks for coming, Haeun. I know we broke up and all but I miss you. You were good to me. I wish we stayed friends.”

“I could have called but I don’t know if I was ready to see you with ___. Even though I broke up with you, I loved you. That would have been hard. Then by the time I was ready, I didn’t know if ___ would be okay with you being friends with your ex, no matter how much she liked me. But, the phone works both ways, Tae. You could have called, too.” She patted his leg again before standing up. “Don’t be a stranger this time, yeah? I don’t want the next time I hear from you to be a wedding invitation.” He rolled his eyes. She had always been bold and upfront about everything. He liked that about her.

“Yep, now get out of my room. You invited yourself over and then didn’t even let me invite you into my own room before you busted in and attacked me. Must not have any manners anymore.”

“I’ve always done what I want.” She laughed. “Us breaking up sure as hell wasn’t going to change that.”

Taeyong does think that he had loved her. Maybe not in the way she loved him, but she was important to him. She was funny and honest. He never had to question her feelings or intentions. He loved the openness she had. Even more than that, he admired it. This was the first time they had spoken to each other besides running into each other on campus occasionally, and she didn’t hold back. She told him exactly what he needed to hear.

“Look, I know you so I know you probably won’t do what I tell you to do, so I won’t waste my breath. But just think about letting her in.” With that, she walked out the door.

He somehow felt better and worse at the same time. He felt better about his feelings but worse about the decision he made. He shouldn’t have left you. He should have stayed with you and held you while he told you everything that had been weighing down his heart for years. But instead, he sat on the floor of his room with a pile of unspoken confessions. His feelings were a soda bottle that had been shaken up since they were kids. He didn’t know how much more he could take before he would explode.

He climbed into bed and tried to drift off. He had just about reached the point of sleep when there was a knock on his door. “God, Haeun, I thought you left. You come here to give me advice anyway? Tell me I should run to her and confess?” He rolled over and found the unmistakable eyes staring into him.

“___?”

“So Haeun was here… She told me that she couldn’t tell me much because it wasn’t her place but that I should find you.” Your voice was barely a whisper.

“I don’t know why she would tell you that. She kinda dropped by uninvited, we talked and she left.” It wasn’t a lie but it was somehow still so far from the truth.

“So you can spend time with Haeun, but you can’t answer the damn phone? Are you getting back together?” Your voice was slowly rising in volume, echoing in the otherwise quiet room.

“Who? Me and Haeun? God, no. I didn’t… I didn’t love her. At least not like that. But I do want to be friends with her now.”

“Why are you acting like this? You ran out after you kissed me, yelled something about confessing just now, and now you’re acting like nothing happened.” Your eyes were bloodshot and there was a fire beneath them that honestly scared him.

He didn’t know what he was saying. “Nothing did happen, ___. I was drunk.”

“Like hell you were. You weren’t drunk. You were barely tipsy. When are you going to stop lying to me? You think I don’t know how you feel? You have been by my side for years. I always try and drop hints that I feel the same way and you’re either too stupid to pick up on it or you’re ignoring them.”

He was too stupid to pick up on them. But now, everything made sense. The little touches, the flirty remarks. It was your subtle way of letting him know you reciprocated those feelings. But he chose to lie.

“I ignored them.” He didn’t know what he was doing. He had the opportunity to tell you everything. Why he and Haeun broke up. Why he hated your ex so much. How empty he felt when you would have a small argument. How much he wanted to touch you and feel you in every way possible.

“You ignored them… Why?” Your voice became soft once more.

“Because I don’t feel the same way, ___.” Why was he doing this? Everything Haeun said about him was right. He was scared. So scared that he couldn’t even tell you he loved you when you just admitted you had feelings for him.

“People who don’t feel the same way don’t kiss people like you kissed me. I know you felt everything I felt. I honestly can’t believe you right now. I came here to fix this. To fix us after you ran out of my apartment. I know it wasn’t nothing. I know you weren’t that drunk. I know you told Haeun you have feelings for me and you’re scared to lose me. I know you told her you don’t think you deserve me. I know all of it, Taeyong. But God forbid I want to hear it from you myself. Don’t fucking lie to me. Not like this and not about this. Now, I have to go before I let you completely ruin whatever we could have. I’m done playing this back and forth game with you. It’s been going on for years. Call me when you actually wanna be honest with me. Maybe start by being more honest with yourself.” You slammed the door behind you and left, just like he left you 12 hours ago. The only difference was that you were kind enough to give an explanation. Maybe he really didn’t deserve you.

He heard his phone buzz behind him.

_Haeun: you lied to her didn’t you?_

_Taeyong: Yep._

_Haeun: i can only find this whole situation funny for so long. i’m starting to pity your stupidity._

_Taeyong: You’re so kind. So glad I called you this morning. Whatever would I do if you weren’t so uplifting and motivational?_

_Haeun: probably die_

_Taeyong: I take back anything I said about missing you. Lose my number_

He didn’t wait for a response. He decided it was just better to fall asleep.

He woke up to Jaehyun shaking his shoulder.

“Hey, man, I made lunch. You wanna eat?”

“Yeah, thanks. ‘Preciate it.” Taeyong sat up and found that his head hurt significantly less, but the emptiness in his chest had grown.

You had always pushed and pulled each other, but now it was starting to tear him apart. Everything about this tug of war felt like it should be simple, but Taeyong was finding that even with the basic rules, he had no idea how to play. As a result, he was losing… miserably. Your words felt like knives in his ears. Haeun had to have told you more than you initially lead on. Of course, she did. She knew she couldn’t trust him to confess to you himself.

Everything was weighing on him and what he would decide to do. He hated it. He had so much motivation to chase after her and change everything, to fix them just like she came to do. But at the same time, he was frozen. It would truly change everything. He felt as if the answer was obvious. He needed to be with her. He needed to tell her how he really felt, but he didn’t know why he couldn’t move.

“You wanna tell me why your ex-girlfriend and the girl you’re obviously in love with were both in and out of our apartment in the span of an hour? You also wanna tell me why ___ called me last night wanting to make sure you were home since you supposedly ran out of her apartment?” Jaehyun was making him a bowl of ramen.

“I kissed her and I got scared so I left. I called Haeun because she’s the only one that knows I have feelings for ___. She ran into ___ on the way out and told her what I said. ___ came to hear it from me herself and I lied.” He felt like that was a pretty straight forward synopsis.

“You’re more of a dumbass than I thought.” He handed him the bowl and began making his own. “Everyone knows you’re in love with ___. Even ___ knows. She didn’t need Haeun to tell her. Haeun honestly may not have told her anything and she was just threatening you to make you be honest. It’s not like you two have been friends since you were kids. It’s not like she knows you better than anyone or anything.”

Taeyong didn’t appreciate his sarcasm. “I know that now.” And he did. But the only thing he didn’t know was how he was going to fix this.

“What are you gonna do?” He knew Jaehyun was asking to make Taeyong face the fact that he had to do something.

“Is it bad if I told you I didn’t know?”

“Yes.” His best friend looked at him with an obviously annoyed look on his face.

“Okay, let me rephrase that. I know what I need to do but I’m terrified of fucking it all up. She’s easily the most important person in my life.” For once he felt like he was being honest. It had nothing to do with protecting you and everything to do with protecting himself. He had never felt this strongly about anyone. All because he’s been in love with you possibly his whole life. Every relationship he had ended because they weren’t you. This had been going on for longer than two years he has acknowledged and it was killing him to admit it.

“I think you’re fucking it up right now by denying any feelings you have for her.” That hurt. That hurt him more than anything that had been said all morning. The one thing he was doing to prevent losing you was the one thing that could be ruining your relationship permanently.

“I hate when you’re right.”

“I hate when you’re stupid. So I hate you most of the time.”

They ate in quiet for a little bit before Taeyong spoke up again. “Did you know that up until last night, I thought she had feelings for you. That’s why I kept inviting you to stuff. And by stuff, I mean everything. She asked me if it was because I liked you.” Taeyong wanted to start being honest about everything. He needed to practice on people like Jaehyun before he completely poured out his feelings to you.

Jaehyun stared at him. “Please shut up. Every time you talk, it kills my brain cells. I thought you were inviting me because you were starting to get nervous from being around her so much. I literally cannot believe I live with an actual dumbass. How can your brain even keep you breathing with your two brain cells.”

“I miss when you were nice and soft and would compliment me.” Taeyong stirred his soup slowly while trying to repress a smirk.

“Nope. It’s nothing but tough love from here on out. Being babied didn’t do anything but let your situation somehow get worse than it already was. Eat your soup before it gets cold.” Jaehyun rubbed his shoulder

“You just told me you were done babying me, and then you babied me.” Taeyong teased. Jaehyun kept him sane which was a hard task. He appreciated him. Taeyong was very good at acknowledging the positive feelings he felt. However, if anything negative happened, he would shut down. Jaehyun was always there to walk him through any anger or sadness that would hit him when he got home.

“Yeah, whatever. Just eat your soup so we can figure out how to get you out of this mess you flung yourself into. I may even have to bring Haeun back.”

“Please God anyone but Haeun. She ripped into my soul this morning. I’m not ready for that again so soon.” He covered his face in his hands after finishing his bite of the noodles Jaehyun made. “Hey, did you make these with love. They taste extra special today.”

“Yes. That’s what it is. Love. I just love my best friend so much but he never vocalizes his feelings so I have to show him through soup.” He answered sarcastically.

“I knew it. I love you, too, Jae.” Taeyong smiled at him.

“Show me by finishing it.”

* * *

Much to Taeyong’s dismay, they did end up calling Haeun. He did want to be friends with her but having her help with Taeyong’s girl drama after she just exposed all of his deepest inner feelings was a bit overkill. They had been sitting around for three days brainstorming some huge plan to win your heart back. But no matter what was suggested, Haeun said it was a terrible idea and they were back to the beginning. Taeyong was going to bed with more and more frustration as well as less and less admiration for his ex-girlfriend. All she did was sit around and put down the boys’ ideas without contributing anything of her own. They would say something elaborate and she would say that it was an apology, not a spectacle. They would dumb it down and she would say that you needed to know how important you were to him. There was no winning with the evil that was Haeun.

After being yelled at about the mockery of a testament flowers would be when Taeyong humiliated the poor girl, Jaehyun leaned over and whispered, “Don’t say I told you so, but we shouldn’t have called her. She’s making me question my entire worth and all I did was say you should get her flowers..”

“I can hear you, Jaehyun. And the mess he’s made is going to need more than flowers to fix.” Haeun yelled from their kitchen

“How did she even hear me?” He mumbled under his breath.

“Can you please stop talking about the mess I made. We’ve been trying to figure out what I should do for three days. Not to be an ass, but for something we all agreed is crucial, you’re making me waste a lot of time. I know I screwed up okay? I’m tired of sitting around and doing nothing because that definitely won’t win her back.” Taeyong got up and grabbed his shoes and started getting ready to leave.

“Yong, it’s raining. At least take a jacket.” Haeun shouted from the kitchen.

He was tired of sitting around. He was wasting time and he was losing you. He felt he was in an hhourglassthat had next to no time left. He slammed the door behind him.

Haeun walked out of the kitchen and gave Jaehyun one of the wine glasses she had prepared.

“Why are you bringing me wine? There are only two glasses?” Jaehyun looked confused. “Did you know Taeyong was gonna leave?”

Haeun took a sip from her glass.

“You planned this didn’t you?” Jaehyun stared at her in disbelief.

“The only way he’s gonna get her back is if he goes over there and spills all of his feelings. Bells and whistles will make it feel insincere and cheap. He needed to have a sense of urgency, though. He needed to realize how important she was to him.” She took another sip.

“You’re a monster.” Jaehyun laughed and tilted his glass toward her in acknowledgment. She met his glass with her own.

“I was hoping to break him the very first day, but here we are on day three and he just now left. I was starting to think he was hopeless” They laughed and continued drinking.

* * *

It was absolutely pouring. Taeyong was glad Haeun told him to grab something before leaving, he just wished she suggested an umbrella or something better than a jacket. His feet were soaking wet and so were his pants. He once again was finding himself thankful for the proximity of your apartment complexes.

Once he reached her door, he was filled with a chill that was going to be near impossible to get rid of. He should have thought this through a bit more before just running outside into a thunderstorm. Taeyong ran his hand through his now soaking wet hair before knocking on your door. His heart was in his throat.

“Sohyeon, the pizza is here. Will you grab-“ Your eyes met his the second you turned around to greet who you assumed was the pizza guy. “You’re wet.” You said. You stared at him and Taeyong was scared he was too late. There was such emptiness behind your eyes.

“It’s raining.” The comment was supposed to mirror your own. It was attempted humor, but it was also all he could bring himself to say.

“I still have some of your clothes in my room. Go to my bathroom and you can change in there.” You opened the door wide enough to let him in.

“You’re not going to turn me away?” His voice was low, just loud enough for you to hear. He was actually terrified that you were going to slam the door in his face, yet he found himself standing in your apartment.

“You obviously came here for a reason. And I’m not heartless. I won’t send you back out into a rainstorm no matter how upset I am with you. Just get in the bathroom you’re dripping.” You sounded so warm and soft. Taeyong didn’t know why he ever considered leaving you.

A few minutes later, you handed him the clothes you had found. He forgot just how often he would stay the night and leave the previous day’s clothes there. You probably had half of his closet here. He changed and found himself walking into the living room where you were seated on her couch next to your roommate.

“Hey, babe. Get the pizza when it comes, ‘kay? I’m gonna go in my room. But don’t eat it all before I’m done.” You grabbed to mugs of what was probably hot chocolate and stood up.

“I cannot believe you would accuse me of something like that,” Sohyeon said it in a tone that made it seem like you may have had a reason to be threatening her.

You nodded your head in the direction of your room and simply said, “Let’s go.”

Everything about you was soft. You were in one of Taeyong’s old shirts that was too big on you, leggings, and your glasses with your hair tied in a bun that was barely hanging on. He just wanted to hold you and he knew if he did this right, he could.

He walked over to your bed and sat down, crossing his legs. You handed Taeyong his mug and sat on the bed as well, your position mirroring his.

“Why did you come here?” Your voice was so quiet, so small while you looked so vulnerable, it almost broke him.

“I’m sorry” It was all he could muster up to say and it was still no louder than a whisper.

“It took you three days to come up with ‘I’m sorry’?” Your tone wasn’t angry even though you had every right to be. Instead, you just looked disappointed

“No. It’s so much more than that. Please be patient with me because I didn’t really plan anything, I just ran over here. I spent days trying to think of what to do and say and I got tired of wasting time.” He was terrified. You had always been patient with him, always waiting for him to finish before you started speaking. But now you looked hurt and he couldn’t expect you to treat him the same way when he’s the reason you’re feeling pain.

“I love you, ___. I have for years. Two years that I know of and probably for years before that. When Haeun broke up with me, it was because she knew I was in love with you. I had every intention of confessing then, but then you had a boyfriend and you looked so happy. So I waited. Then he broke your heart and I was terrified. I was terrified of ever hurting you like that. For the next year, I made excuses about protecting you and never letting you get hurt. It wasn’t for you. I mean, it was, but it was more me being selfish. I didn’t want something to happen and you hate me like you hate him. That night when I kissed you, all night I had been trying to figure out how to slowly distance myself from you so that I couldn’t hurt you. It was stupid but I thought it would work. This is completely not including the fact that for the past few weeks I thought you had feelings for Jaehyun.” God, he was all over the place. He could barely collect his thoughts before he kept going. “The next morning, I called Haeun because I knew I fucked up. I knew I could potentially lose you over what I did. I thought she was the only one who knew the extent of my feeling for you so she was the only option. She forced me to realize that I was scared. I thought I had worked through it, but when you walked in I was so scared again that I let you go. And you’re right, I was lying. I was lying to myself, to my friends, to you. I’m so sorry. Fuck, I love you so much that the thought of losing you makes my chest feel like its caving in.” He wasn’t even looking at you. He just held his mug in one hand and clung to his shirt with the other. He heard stifled noises coming from across from him and expected to look up to find you crying. Instead, he was met with a smile and eyes glistening with tears.

“You’re really dumb.” You said, shaking your head.

“I’ve been hearing that a lot lately. I’m just really bad at this.” He answered quietly.

“Obviously. I told you I loved you and instead of telling me you loved me too when I knew you did, you sent me to home to cry and regret everything for three days.”

“Yeah, That was pretty lame of me. I’m sorry.”

“You know, I started dating he who shall not be named because you were seeing Haeun. I hated watching you be with someone when I was in love with you. When you told me you had broken up, I wanted to end my relationship that I just started and give everything to you instead. But I couldn’t tell how you felt so I stayed with him. Then I fell in love and got my heart broken all because I forced myself to move on from you. I was tired of watching you date and being happy when it wasn’t with me.”

“It never worked with them because they weren’t you. It just took me a while to figure it out.”

“We should have talked about this a long time ago.” You laughed.

“Probably would have saved us a lot of heartaches.” He agreed.

“I love you, Taeyong. Always have, always will.” Your voice was quiet once again.

“Pinky promise?” Taeyong held up his pinky to you. He felt as if his heart could explode from joy and relief and knowing you felt the same.

“Yeah, Yong, I promise.”

He leaned in to kiss you. This time you tasted like hot chocolate and cookies, but it was somehow still everything he expected.

“Don’t run away this time.” You whispered. You were still close enough for him to feel your breath on his lips.

“I won’t. I’m here to stay.”

“Pinky promise?” He held your pinky once again, except this time he brought your knuckles to his lips, kissing them gently.

“Yeah, ___, I promise.”


End file.
